Presence

"Blessed be Your name 

on the road marked with suffering

though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name" - M.R.

I recently had to apologize to my daughter for teaching her something so contrary to the gospel ...

Something that holds well-meaning Christians in bondage to a covenant that was sacrifiically broken.

Blessing is not attached to obedience. 

It is a subtle yet destructive lie that has snuck into the Church, and one that I grieve that I mindlessly repeated in even the earliest training moments of my daughter's life. 

One of the few kind or true things that my own father ever said was when Elaina was visiting for the first time for a weekend. As my husband and I left for a night away, we reminded Elaina to be obedient before we left. He responded "Yes, if you obey, you will get a treat! And if you disobey ... you will get a treat!"

That has stuck with me, because it is a reminiscent of new covenant love made possible by the cross. When logic was turned upside-down, and our understanding of "blessing" was radically and forever re-defined. 

If we cling to virtue and morals and righteous living, grace is ours for the taking. And if we don't, grace is still ours. In our darkest, neediest, cruelest hour, our cries for more are met with Presence. It follows us to mountaintop highs, and marks the path through seemingly endless valleys. Our goodness no longer rewards us with good things, and our darkness no longer restricts us from His presence. 

The veil is torn. 

The blessing is only and ever His presence. These things that don't feel like blessings to our fleshy compasses all serve to draw us deeper into Himself for a long soak in the Grace that is Jesus Christ. 

I cringe when I hear people say "My husband finally got a job. God is good." or "God is so good to provide a bigger house." These things are true, but God is also oh-so-kind to us when we are unemployed, under-resourced, lacking, sick, in need, etc... If we hinge our understanding of God's kindness on times when we perceive blessing, how will we perceive God when, according to our understanding, there is no blessing to be found?

Oh, but He is there. He is most there. His presence is a feast that awaits hungry hearts. Hearts that are hungry for nothing more being forever intertwined with their Holy Maker, to just have a hand clutching onto His robe, to be a broken lamb wrapped around His neck, to find refuge under the shadow of His wing. 

Yes, I have so many gifts that could be counted as gain or blessings, but I pray that the Lord would never let me bank my faith in His provision on them, lest I forget the blessings which have painfully ushered my heart into a place of His presence ... Those blessings that you choose to thank Him for, with a lump in your throat -- often with limited understanding of how they could be for your good and His glory.

***

Oh, Kind Father who withholds nothing from the weak or the strong ... 

Thank you for the blessings that are easy to name, and for the ones that touch a tender nerve. 

Thank you for the times when I was fearful as a child, for teaching my mouth to whisper for your Name. 

Thank for the reckless romances in my young years. You called me Your bride. 

Thank you for the soul-shaking betrayals. You were salve to my wounds.

Thank you for moments of despair. You searched me out.

Thank you for being unjustly struck. You showed me Your tenderness. 

Thank you for confusion and bewilderment. You were my Counselor. 

Thank you for the brain tumor that disfigured my body. You gave inner beauty a place to bloom. 

Thank you for the years that have left me childless. You bear my aches.

Thank you for the first painful chapter of our marriage. You were our miracle. 

Thank you for heroes that have fallen. You are the One and Only.

Thank you for undependable finances, and things that break down. You are building me a forever home. 

Thank you for letting me be unpopular. You folded me into Your Friendship.

Thank you for scars and for wounds. I get to partake in Your suffering. 

Thank you for breaking my heart. So that I could find my way to Yours. 

Thank you for this current season. Desolate wilderness, deep caverns of pain. All Yours for the filling. I know not how You will write all over it with Your splendor. However hard it is to recognize this package of a "good and full of hope" future you have promised me - I will gratefully take it with open hands, knowing it comes magnificently wrapped in Your Presence. 

I beg of you to give me the courage to sing "For You are good, for You are good, for You are good to me ... " on the sweetest and the darkest of days alike. For Your loving-kindness and goodness penetrate all of Your provisions. So. Truly. Thankful.